Staying Safe: Modest Proposals

With the pandemic predicted to last into the foreseeable future, we are getting lots of information and advice about how to keep ourselves and those we love safe. You know – social distancing, face masks, handwashing, etc. It strikes me that, lethal as this virus is proving to be, these measures don’t go far enough. So as my contribution to “We are all in this together,” I am passing along some additional suggestions, modest proposals that Kim and I have put into practice.

Stand or sit 6 feet from your phone or computer. Your computer can get a virus, and who knows how lethal it can be. And wear a face mask when using your “devices” (an unfortunate term).

Put masks on your pets. We know that dogs, cats and tigers can get Covid-19. If your pet is a tiger, best to get someone else to put on the mask.

Put masks on your plants. We know they exhale oxygen . . ..

Wash your feet, too. We have learned that the virus frequently goes to the floor in small droplets, so shoes can be a carrier when we return home. Of course, leave them outside or store them near the door. But if your shoes can carry the virus, so can your feet. So when you wash your hands, also wash your feet. If you are old, you might have to get someone else to do it for you.

Don’t use knives, forks and spoons – or your hands. Eating utensils are typically made of hard surfaces where the virus can lurk for days. And we have been repeatedly cautioned about touching our faces with our hands. So the best technique is to lower your face to your plate. I have tried this with a bowl of popcorn, and it works great.

Keep your hands away from your mouth when you floss your teeth. Obviously.

Have sexual relations, but not with another person.

Don’t wear a white mask that comes with a hood.

Buy lottery tickets. Your state needs the money.

Stay out of prison.

Practice social distancing. I know – you think you’re already doing this, but you’re not. If you are truly socially distant, you don’t share your thoughts and feelings, and you don’t care about the thoughts and feelings of other people. The masks help. Not sure how this is supposed to help with the virus, but everyone appears to be in favor of it.

Stop hugging strangers. This trend had gone too far even pre-virus. Especially in an election year.

When you wash your car, use bleach. This is especially important if you are one of those guys who fondles his car.

If you need elective surgery, do it yourself, or ask your spouse or partner to do it. Best to check on your insurance first.

If the Girl Scouts come to your door to sell cookies, scare them away. Scare everyone away except UPS and the pizza guy

If you order a pizza, let it sit on your front porch for three days before bringing the box into your house. You may need to take it straight to the garbage can.

When shopping for groceries, hold your breath. This may take some practice, but groceries stores are petri dishes for viruses, and you don’t want to breathe them in.

Drink Corona beer. Your body will then develop anti-bodies to Corona, which may allow you not to care so much about the above recommendations.

Try vodka therapy. I found online a formula to make sanitizer using vodka. Really. But why stop there? You attack the virus on a second front by drinking it, either after you wash with it, or instead of washing with it. Might work!

If you have any additional suggestions, please pass them along.