In the age of Google and Siri and all the new stuff coming along, it takes some effort to remain ignorant. (When I was growing up, instead of Google we had my grandfather’s Encyclopedia Britannica as our go-to, with a Magic Eight-Ball for more difficult questions.) With all the resources now available, it’s important to know what you do not need to know. To help you get started on your list, I’m sharing my growing list of Things I Don’t Need to Know:
Anything about the Kardashians
Terms and conditions when I upgrade iPhone software. But be careful. Kim ordered a $5 sample of something, and her VISA was charged $100. She then learned that the fine print said she would be charged $100 unless she returned the product within 11 days.
When our sun will explode (unless it’s in the next 20 years).
How to steer when parachuting. Won’t happen.
Nuke codes. If called upon, however, I will learn them.
Regional ID. The deposit slip at my bank has a place for me to fill in Regional ID. The teller told me, “You don’t need to know that. Nobody needs to know that.” Relieved, I put it on my list.
Whether or not two snowflakes are alike. There are a lot of snowflakes out there this winter. Who is checking?
When to drool. I learned that if I’m buried in an avalanche, I should drool to learn which way gravity indicates is down, so I can crawl out in the other direction. Good, but I don’t need to know this, unless the exploding sun causes avalanches.
How to program my so-called “universal remote.” That’s why God created Best Buy’s Geek Squad.
How to tie a necktie. I used to know this, and my hands probably remember, but I no longer need to know it.
Who I am. I’ve lived ¾ of a century without knowing, and I’m happy, so why mess with it?
Who Put the Bomp (in the Bomp, Bomp)? I looked it up, folks, and that’s the official title, even though I remember “in the bomp bah bomp bah bomp.” Next item, please . . .
Trump’s tax returns. Nothing in them would make him anything other than the Grand Canyon of assholes.
What my life would have been like if I’d done X instead of Y. Who the fuck knows? Who really cares other than folks inhabiting an alternative universe?
Do I dare to eat a peach? I’ll work this out when confronted by a peach. Until then, I don’t need to know.
What will my life be like five years from now?
So, obviously, what don't you need to know?
From Carl Levine: